Lembar Sepuluh

“And I began to feel sorry for myself; for so many years, my drawer full of memories had held the same old stories.”
― Paulo Coelho; By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

悼むひと (c) katsuo

Refleksi. 
Air mata. Tawa miris.
Terlalu banyak kesedihan untuk dimaafkan.

***

Sesungguhnya jarum jam itu tidak pernah bergerak. 
Saya mungkin adalah orang yang hidup di masa lalu. Mencari pembenaran, mengharap penerimaan. Tidak, tidak pernah, beranjak sedikit pun dari sana.

Semua datang dan pergi. Tidak seperti ini hal yang baru. Selalu, selalu, terulang kembali. Pada akhirnya saya hanya akan tersenyum dan berkata, "It's okay; this kind of pain is nothing." Seolah saya adalah masokis yang diludahi takdir.

It hurts. It hurts so much that I feel like dying.

Bukan drama. Bukan luka gores. Bukan suara parau.
Ini refleksi. Pantulan. 
Karena saya tidak pernah beranjak dari mana pun.

Abadi. 
Pemandangan yang sama. Senyum yang sama.
Kata maaf yang sama.

Kemudian esok datang dan saya akan melupakannya. 
Terus, terus, sampai akhirnya seseorang datang dan menghujamkan rasa sakit ini kembali.
Kemudian saya akan, "Ah. Lagi? It's okay; I've gone through these..."  

Mati. Biar saja mati.
Biar saja membusuk sampai tuli.

Saya tetap saja berdiri di sini.  

***

Tanpa warna: menuju lembar akhir 2012.

Lembar Sembilan: Lanskap Dalam

...tiba-tiba saja menemukan catatan tangan pada November 2008.

Baris-baris puisi tanpa judul; yang saya ingat benar, dicatat karena maknanya yang begitu mengena.

Siapa yang kira, empat tahun berikutnya saya akan menulis hal yang sama?

水に棲む (c) katsuo

Lanskap Dalam

(Oleh Dina oktaviani)

Kucoba menuliskan sesuatu

Dan berdoa untukmu

Agar kamu dapat memaafkanku

Dari tempat yang jauh

Di kepalaku, barisan lagu-lagu

Yang akan mengikat diriku erat

Dengan bayanganmu

Kutatap lanskap di luar jendela;

Memanggil-manggil nafasmu

Yang begitu kukenal, tapi tak lagi

Menyentuh hidungku

Kesedihan musim hujan bertambah

Ketika ketel di dapur tak dapat

Mendengingkan uap, dan bocah lelakiku

Terpejam dalam kamar;

Menghisap dua jari tangannya

Kucoba mengkhayalkan

Pipimu yang hangat

Untuk menghapuskan

Derita dosa-dosa di bibirku

-bibirmu yang kupuja

Masihkah manis dan lembab

Malam ini?

Di dalamnya, aku tahu

Adalah kata-kata

Adalah pusat airmataku

Tetapi tetap kurindukan kamu

Bagai perjalanan mencekam

Sebuah kereta dari kota ke kota

Yang tak pernah dapat kuhentikan

Kucoba menuliskan sesuatu

Dan berdoa untukmu

Agar kamu dapat memaafkan

Cintamu kepadaku

Tetapi semua bahasa

Dan keyakinan

Lari dari kesunyianku

-mengapa kepala berada di atas jantung;

Hingga dadaku yang ringkih

Tak dapat mendebarkan telingamu

Tanpa merendahkan wajahmu?

Malam ini

Kelaparan merusakkan hatiku

Kemiskinan hati

Memerihkan lambungku

Tak ada orang lain di luar diriku

Kecuali orang-orang yang kucintai

Kecuali orang-orang yang menjauh

Dari diriku

...untuk lapar dan perih; dan air mata.

Yuu Sakai - Kimi to boku no banka (lyrics)

Kimi to Boku no Banka

Title: Kimi to Boku no Banka (The Elegy of You and Me)
Artist: Yuu Sakai
Kimi to Boku. Anime OST

Sabiashisa wa tsuzuku darou kono saki mo	More loneliness will probably await me ahead
omoide fuenai demo kagayaiteru	I'm not getting any new memories, but my old ones are shining
ima donna otona ni	I wonder what kind of adult
BOKU wa mieru ka na?	I appear to others right now?
Haru no kaze ni kieta mujaki na yume	My innocent dream has vanished into the spring breeze
BOKU ga hitori de kanaete shimatta yo	I somehow made it come true by myself
nee, kore de ii ka na?	I wonder if I should be content now
KIMI nara dou shita?	Say, what happened to you?
How's it going? How's it going?	How's it going? How's it going?
Choushi dou desu ka?	How have you been?
Kochira wa TSURAI koto mo arimasu ga	I have had my hard times,
KIMI e to todoku ki ga suru kara	but, believing that it will reach you,
Kou shite utatte iru yo	I am singing a song like so
Wakare no shunkan mo naze darou?	Even when we were parting
Kanashimi yori mo "arigatou" ga komiagete kita yo	Why did I feel overwhelming gratitude instead of sorrow?
Tsutaetakatta	I wanted to let you know that
KIMI ni deaete yokatta	I was happy to have met you
How's it going? How's it going?	How's it going? How's it going?
Choushi dou desu ka?	How have you been?
Kochira wa sora miageru bakari sa	I've been looking up at the sky all this time
KIMI e to todoku ki ga suru kara	Believing that it will reach you
Kou shite utatte iru yo	I am singing a song like so
Seijaku no naka hitomi tojireba	In the stillness, if I close my eyes,
Kodama suru natsukashii koe	a nostalgic voice resounds
Toki o koete hontou no imi de	I will transcend time,
tsunagariatte ikitsuzukete yuku	become truly together with you and live on
How's it going? How's it going?	How's it going? How's it going?
Choushi dou desu ka?	How have you been?
Yasashii nigawarai o omoidasu	I recall the gentle image of your bitter smile
Akirame warui BOKU no kuse mo	My unyielding persistence
Aikawarazu sa	is also as stubborn as always
How's it going? How's it going?	How's it going? How's it going?
Mata issho ni	I wish we could
Waraitakute katariaitakute	laugh together and talk together again
Can you hear me...?	Can you hear me...?
KIMI e to todoku ki ga suru kara	Believing that my song will reach you
Utaitsuzukete iru yo	I have been singing all this time
How's it going? How's it going?	How's it going? How's it going?
Choushi dou desu ka?	How have you been?
Kochira wa TSURAI koto mo arimasu ga	I have had my hard times
Kyou mo asu mo tabun zutto	But today, tomorrow, and probably always,
Kou shite utatte iru yo	I will keep singing like this
How's it going? How's it going?	How's it going? How's it going?
Choushi dou desu ka?	How have you been?
Kochira wa TSURAI koto mo arimasu ga	I have had my hard times,
KIMI e to todoku ki ga suru kara	But, believing that it will reach you
kou shite utatte iru yo	I am singing a song like so.

Credit: http://animelyrics.com/anime/kimitoboku2/kobbanka.htm

7!! (seven oops) - BYE BYE (lyrics)

バイバイ 

Title: バイバイ (BYE BYE)

Artist: 7!! (seven oops)
Album: バイバイ (BYE BYE) single

yappari kimi da yo ne?	It is really you right?
honto odoroita yo	That sure surprised me
futari yoku aruita namiki doori	At the tree-lined street that we used to walk together
ichinen-buri ni miru kare wa kami ga mijikakute	After not seeing him for a year, his new short hair
otonabite mieta	made him look so grown-up.
fuzakete bakari de	You were always joking around
hanashi o kikanakute	and not listening to what others say
atashi mo muki ni natte ita	You used to make me so angry
kimi ga	But
otona ni naru no o matezu ni tooza kete itta no wa	the one who couldn't wait for you to grown up and walked away
atashi datta ne	was me, wasn't it?
itsumo MAINASU ichido(1°C) no ame ga furu	The same -1℃ rain is falling again
kimi ga kureta NAMIDA	The rain of tears that you shed for me
sono yasashisa made wakaranakute	And still I didn't get the meaning of that kindness
zutto kono mune o shimetsuketa	It continued to wrench my heart
toori o watatte	I walk across the street
koe o kaketai na	I want to call out to him
isshun omotta kedo ashi o tomeru	The thought crossed my mind but I stop
majimena yokogao	His face looks so serious
kitto mou kimi no me ni	I am sure by now
atashi wa utsuranai kara	he does not remember me anymore
itsumo  MAINASU ichido(1°C) no ame ga furu	The same -1℃ rain is falling again
tsumeta sugiru NAMIDA	The rain of tears that is just too cold
hagurakasu taido ni okotteta keredo	I was mad at your evasive attitude
jitsu wa sukuwarete ita n da ne	but it seems like I was saved by it
kaze ni notta kumo ga	Now I see the cloud riding on the wind slowly
yukkuri to ima futatsu ni chigirete iku	being torn into two
hitori de katte ni tsuyogatte	I pretended to be strong
atashi o kurushimeteta no wa	But the one who was hurting me
kimi ja naku watashi jishin datta ne?	wasn't you, but me myself
kimi ni deaete yokatta yo	I am glad that I have met you
itsumo  MAINASU ichido(1°C) no ame ga furu	The same -1℃ rain is falling again
kiete iku NAMIDA wa	The rain of tears that is now going away
natsu no sora no shita omoide ni kawaru	Changing to memories under the summer sky
kami o tabanete aruki dasou	I tie my hair up and start to walk
kono NAMIDA o kitto wasurenai	I will never forget these tears

Credit:

Romaji & Translation: http://gendou.com