Lembar Empatbelas: Letter to the Light

"Bearing wounds in our heart, we can become aware of other people's pain." (--Aizawa Kousaku; Code Blue 2)

あまおと (c) katsuo

"I wonder what could I do for you."


That line keep appears in my head everytime I see you struggling with yourself.

Maybe I am no one: just one of ordinary friends you have out there, who tend to talk rather than properly listen. Maybe I am no one, even after those almost five years of togetherness. Maybe I am no one, even after those hours of laughing and giggling, or silently crying and fighting together.

Right. Despite all of those maybes, I think I am fine with the way we are now.

... actually, I am scared to talk to you. Like, was I even qualified to talk with you now? Really, that's so absurd. I could say "I care" as much as I want, yet the truth is I have no confidence as your friend.

It's funny, isn't it?

But I think I am fine with all of them. As long as I know you are fine out there, I think I will be fine with this. This might be one of the most important times in your life, and I will just always pray for your happiness.

***

 Maybe you have no idea I think about you this much (well, I am not showing it at all, so it's natural). But, if you were found this out and went wondering, I will give you the reason: because you have been became the light in one of the darkest moment in my life. You don't know how terrible that was for me, and you don't realize how you save me with your words, attitudes, and smiles. You are dazzling, you still are. You are human being, with lot of wonderful sides on top of the weaknesses. ... and you are warm.

I really wonder what could I do for you.

But I guess, the answer is: nothing.

Because you have your own way to live your life. And I only hope I could be there for you anytime you need me.

Actually, I kinda worried. Because you tend to push yourself too much when things going hard. But that is also your special traits: hard working and do your best to reach your destinations. ... so I think I could pray for you instead of worrying too much.

Anyway, actually I was surprised that I am such a caring person. Hmm. But maybe it will take me times to learn the art of emphatic listening.

***

... for now, it is enough for me to see you being fine from far virtual place.

(But, if I may be a bit honest, I kinda miss your cheerful-self here and there :) )



Be fine and stay as yourself, my dear friend. May He guides you to the best places, best decisions, and best moments of life. Aamiin.

To my friend; she who is as bright as light :)

Lembar Tigabelas: Beautiful (Day)

Today Is A Beautiful Day (album CD cover) - supercell (2011)

Okay. This kinda sum up things in the last two weeks.

Errr ... in these past weeks, I've been hearing too much phrases like: "... is it you? Pangling! You've become prettier". I kinda ignored them since I thought it just because I am wearing contacts (though I've worn them a lot in these past 6 months). Well, it finally becomes funny when my parents actually said the same line.

Then, after a series of similar phrases when I went home yesterday, I finally asked my father. The conversation then went like this:

"Did I change that much? I mean, people keep saying it a lot these days."

"Well, I did need to blink several times when I saw you at the train station."

"Is it because of the contacts?"

"... hmm. That too. But I think it's because you look more cheerful these days. You smile a lot. Several people believe you're rather a serious type person, so it is natural that they got surprised."

"... that's all?"

"If I could add, you look glowing. People must think that you have fallen in love with someone."



And I laughed so hard when I heard that.


Well, people did say that woman who fall in love become more beautiful each day. ... but I think it might not the reason in my case (or it might be?).

Putting that aside, I did feel rather happy these days. It's like ... I enjoy my each day and look forward to spend my time doing things. I finally find something I want to do (and that very thing is a passion of mine). It might be true that I enjoy my journey to reach my dream. So, everyday feels like a beautiful day :')

On the other hand, I admit I rather let myself being too serious and rather gloomy in these past years. I can't blame people when they got surprised seeing me being cheerful (I am originally like this, though).

And, about that falling in love thing ... well, I can't say much about that. Though, this is a journey to pursue my 'personal legend', so ... I might actually get a chance to meet my destined one (Fatima, or rather, Santiago in my case) here.

Okay. Let's leave it all there for now.

At least, it is true that I smiled so much these days :P.



{home is where your heart is}

Lembar Duabelas: Adultery and Spectrum

Adultery (original cover) by Paulo Coelho

After those long months, finally I got to read Paulo Coelho’s Adultery. The transliteration of the title in Bahasa is still bugging me (well, I insisted on the opinion that since adultery means much more than just a ‘Selingkuh’, they should left the original title), but I really enjoyed the book.

And, well, my intuition does hit the place: Adultery surely grabs the second spot of my favorite Paulo Coelho’s book (after The Alchemist; and, by other means, make it ways past The Zahir which is now on its third).

I wonder when was the last time I cried so much after reading a book.

What should I say? I mean, I am not yet 30, haven’t yet married or got children, and haven’t even started pursuing my dream career—on top at all; but, here I am, being struck by Linda’s (the main character) feelings.

Yes. Yes, I could comprehend that awful feelings—the unhappiness, emptiness, darkness—when your inside is being eaten away and, yet, you’re alive—or worse, live your life normally. Just accepting the fact that you are not okay is already painful—because you had no reason to feel so!

I was Linda.

And it was hell.

I am just 24—and even younger when I experienced it, but it was hard. Maniac-depressive, bipolar disorder, or simply despair—picks your own. I struggle on my pride, and ended up need to accept that I do need help.

It is totally different than the story, though. I am not even old enough to play with a word called ‘adultery’. Yet I could understand Linda’s action. 

“Sometimes you need to lose yourself completely to find yourself.”

I have just finished like half a book when I went home and talked to my father (or rather, childishly explained how I finally got that long awaited book). I also talked about the theme and how I absorbed Linda’s feeling and perspective a bit too well.

We ended up talking for hours. About past things, about recent days, and those abstract feelings. My father said that there are two kinds of people in this world: those who act; and those who think. You can’t choose becoming one, it choose you. There’s no overthinking for those who think; and therefore, it is no use to comprehend it.

“But I think. I am thinking too much (that’s what people say!). Maybe I should stop reading things and just try to live normally like other people.”

“I even try to adventure on my own when I was young. I lived in jungle, isolated myself, and yet couldn’t stop myself from thinking. Finally I realized that I belong to those who think. You do, too. And you need to accept that because it is also something Allah blessed upon you.”

“… but I am afraid. They’re too scary.”

“One day you will reach the time where you can really accept that fact. And, finally, you will be able to reach an ultimate state of life—peacefulness. Those things won’t no longer matter, and you find bliss for realizing what life means to Allah. Even me myself, have not yet reach them.”

“Then what should I do now?”

“Live your own journey.”

The conversation ended up like that. And I haven’t even finished the book. 

By the time I reach the end of ‘Adultery’ next morning, I don’t even realize I cried so much before my mother point it.

It was … too much. The feelings, I mean.

Linda fell into a trance when she flies with parachute, embracing both the sky and everything, and her own heart. She wanted them to last forever.

But then the hawk said, “No. You can’t. If you keep it, you won’t be able to live in this world.” Then Linda asked what she should do.

The hawk answered, “Find your way.”

And Linda cried, for hours.

***

It has been to long since I cried this much because of a book (what are you expect from someone who even cried when reading The Alchemist, The Zahir, or even Brida?).

Yet, I feel so … contented.

I mean, things are going around too many these years. People, myself, my life—I wondered about so many things.

There are things I suddenly don’t want to do, or become (even after those years of believing I will end up become one). There are things which suddenly appear as options (like being told that I am suited to be a researcher or lecturer so I should continue pursuing my degree overseas). There are also long forgotten things which suddenly appear before my eyes (like how I do love design and art—books, fashion, house, anything!).

Everyone but me seems moving forward to their own respective choices, left me alone in this so-called crossroad.

No, I am not going to rush myself. I have been done things people expect me to do since I can remember myself. Those, and yet, things inside myself did not die—not at all. They keep haunting me, taking form as fear, risk, passion, or even pride.

That’s why I choose to pause now.

I am now looking on the sky, on the beautiful things around these long roads; I am hearing the gentle breezes, which had passed me unnoticeably before; I am smelling the scent of flowers, trees, and even dusts; I am sensing things.

And finally, I asked myself: where I stand now? Where this road leads to? Where I want to live my life for?

It is such a complicated thing, isn’t it?

I read back my past entries, and laugh myself while commenting: “Even someone like me do experience a passionate youth.”

Recently, I found a wonderful unofficial/fan book of The Basketball Which Kuroko Plays written by gusari. It is an anthology. There are two stories of a pair of characters. One titled 13 Centimeters, while the other one titled Kizuato Spectrum.

Both of them are unmistakably the most beautiful works I have read. Even until now, I cried every time I re-read them (using Aimer’s Mine as a background song really lead me to tears).

What should I say? For me, 13 Centimeters is really a piece of art.

Two people with a same feeling: youth, love, and give up. There is nothing we could do—we will be separated anyway. So they decide to live their days together until that separation comes. It comes without even words. Yet, they cried after each other’s gone.

[…The distance to you is something I don’t know anymore]

Kizuato Spectrum is an epilog, with a subtitle of: ‘Re-measurement of Wounds’. Years passed and life goes on.

[Since then, we have,

little by little, grown older.

Our uncontrollable passions

stopped growing around the same time our heights did.

Our desires settled down.

We became a bit more well-rounded.

And in exchange,

everyone has become much kinder.

I think that is just

simply beautiful.]

Even though, those which left behind never gone. By a simple glance of how there are people who are not giving things up, those buried dream rose. Yet, there is nothing left to do; a past is a past.

[...I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the old me,

who is still feeling the passion that I have long since lost.

It's not as though I regret anything.

The past choices I've made,

the changes that have happened, and the current me;

everything is special to me...

and very beautiful.

While I feel jealous,

it's not as if I blame anyone,

not even my past self.

It's not even that

the grass is greener on the other side.

It's just,

inside of me,

I know that I have scars that I'm holding on to.

Even so, under the scabs, the "memories" are there.

That body temperature, that scent, that voice.

Those "memories".

No matter how foolishly, delicately,

desperately, wretchedly, enjoyably,

I've grown up.

And even though I've become an adult,

these cicatrices remain. 

They live under my scabs

as beautiful as ever.]

Indeed. They are as beautiful as ever.

That’s why life is so precious.

***

Anyway, time sure flies.

It has been two years since I last updated this blog with something other than lyrics. I should write more :)

{home is where your heart is}

Lembar Sebelas: to change

"...If you want to change, you must first make it clear to yourself why you wish to change, and how you intend to do so." [Ichihara Yuuko; xxxHOLiC ]

re:cycle (c) katsuo

Mari bicara perubahan.

Untuk berubah, seseorang harus benar-benar menerima alasan mengapa perubahan dibutuhkan. Kau tidak bisa berubah hanya karena seseorang memintamu; dirimu tidak bisa menerima janji semacam itu. Kau tidak bisa berubah hanya karena kau ingin memuaskan orang lain; dirimu tidak peduli dengan hal semu semacam itu.

Berubah tidak berkorelasi dengan perbaikan menuju jalan yang lebih baik. Berubah adalah menggeser paradigma; dengan sadar berusaha bergerak menuju arah lain. Kau boleh jadi mengklaim dirimu berubah—atau sedang berusaha melakukannya, namun kau selalu tahu apa yang terjadi sebenarnya. Melakukan sugesti diri tidak serta merta menyulapmu menjadi orang yang berbeda.

Berusaha mengubah orang lain adalah hal yang sia-sia jika tidak disertai dengan mengubah dirimu sendiri. Berubahlah, luaskan lingkaran pengaruhmu. Berempatilah, dengarkan dan jelaskan. Pada akhirnya hal seperti itulah yang mampu menggugah seseorang untuk berubah. Tanpa itu, berubah hanya menjadi justifikasi kebebasan dari pengaruh; dan itu tidak hanya temporer tanpa benar-benar bermakna.

Mari bicara mengenai diri sendiri.

Mari berhenti menyuarakan komplain; refleksilah. Mari berhenti mengesankan orang lain; jujurlah. Mari berhenti membenci realita; berubahlah. Inside to outside; hanya dengan itu suatu perubahan membawa makna.

{Be the lace of life}

Lembar Sepuluh

“And I began to feel sorry for myself; for so many years, my drawer full of memories had held the same old stories.”
― Paulo Coelho; By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

悼むひと (c) katsuo

Refleksi. 
Air mata. Tawa miris.
Terlalu banyak kesedihan untuk dimaafkan.

***

Sesungguhnya jarum jam itu tidak pernah bergerak. 
Saya mungkin adalah orang yang hidup di masa lalu. Mencari pembenaran, mengharap penerimaan. Tidak, tidak pernah, beranjak sedikit pun dari sana.

Semua datang dan pergi. Tidak seperti ini hal yang baru. Selalu, selalu, terulang kembali. Pada akhirnya saya hanya akan tersenyum dan berkata, "It's okay; this kind of pain is nothing." Seolah saya adalah masokis yang diludahi takdir.

It hurts. It hurts so much that I feel like dying.

Bukan drama. Bukan luka gores. Bukan suara parau.
Ini refleksi. Pantulan. 
Karena saya tidak pernah beranjak dari mana pun.

Abadi. 
Pemandangan yang sama. Senyum yang sama.
Kata maaf yang sama.

Kemudian esok datang dan saya akan melupakannya. 
Terus, terus, sampai akhirnya seseorang datang dan menghujamkan rasa sakit ini kembali.
Kemudian saya akan, "Ah. Lagi? It's okay; I've gone through these..."  

Mati. Biar saja mati.
Biar saja membusuk sampai tuli.

Saya tetap saja berdiri di sini.  

***

Tanpa warna: menuju lembar akhir 2012.

Lembar Sembilan: Lanskap Dalam

...tiba-tiba saja menemukan catatan tangan pada November 2008.

Baris-baris puisi tanpa judul; yang saya ingat benar, dicatat karena maknanya yang begitu mengena.

Siapa yang kira, empat tahun berikutnya saya akan menulis hal yang sama?

水に棲む (c) katsuo

Lanskap Dalam

(Oleh Dina oktaviani)

Kucoba menuliskan sesuatu

Dan berdoa untukmu

Agar kamu dapat memaafkanku

Dari tempat yang jauh

Di kepalaku, barisan lagu-lagu

Yang akan mengikat diriku erat

Dengan bayanganmu

Kutatap lanskap di luar jendela;

Memanggil-manggil nafasmu

Yang begitu kukenal, tapi tak lagi

Menyentuh hidungku

Kesedihan musim hujan bertambah

Ketika ketel di dapur tak dapat

Mendengingkan uap, dan bocah lelakiku

Terpejam dalam kamar;

Menghisap dua jari tangannya

Kucoba mengkhayalkan

Pipimu yang hangat

Untuk menghapuskan

Derita dosa-dosa di bibirku

-bibirmu yang kupuja

Masihkah manis dan lembab

Malam ini?

Di dalamnya, aku tahu

Adalah kata-kata

Adalah pusat airmataku

Tetapi tetap kurindukan kamu

Bagai perjalanan mencekam

Sebuah kereta dari kota ke kota

Yang tak pernah dapat kuhentikan

Kucoba menuliskan sesuatu

Dan berdoa untukmu

Agar kamu dapat memaafkan

Cintamu kepadaku

Tetapi semua bahasa

Dan keyakinan

Lari dari kesunyianku

-mengapa kepala berada di atas jantung;

Hingga dadaku yang ringkih

Tak dapat mendebarkan telingamu

Tanpa merendahkan wajahmu?

Malam ini

Kelaparan merusakkan hatiku

Kemiskinan hati

Memerihkan lambungku

Tak ada orang lain di luar diriku

Kecuali orang-orang yang kucintai

Kecuali orang-orang yang menjauh

Dari diriku

...untuk lapar dan perih; dan air mata.

Daily life: throwback 2011

Di dalam stoples kaca; tenggelam dalam diri sendiri terlalu jauh.

clear (c) katsuo

Tahun 2011 berlalu begitu cepat, diisi dengan berbagai kebimbangan menentukan pilihan. Berat; banyak waktu habis untuk bergulat dengan diri sendiri. Ketika semuanya sampai di ujung dan harus dipilih, pada akhirnya saya puas.

Menghargai diri sendiri ternyata lebih sulit dari yang saya duga. 

***

[kuliah]

Semester 5 selesai! Luar biasa sekali. Semester ini selesai sebelum saya sempat memperbaiki semangat kuliah. Wew. Too much organization and non-academic things in my head, I guess. Semoga hasilnya tidak terlalu buruk.

Mata kuliah yang menakutkan? Hngg… mungkin pilihannya jatuh pada mata kuliah non-jurusan. Statistik dan Probabilitas—menakutkan. Mata kuliah yang menegangkan? Perpindahan Massa dalam Sistem Bioproses, jelas. Menegangkan dan menantang di setengah semester pertama dan membuat saya punya lebih banyak waktu tidur di kelas di setengah semester terakhir (hahaha). Mata kuliah yang menyenangkan? Rekayasa Reaksi Hayati—atau apa pun yang diajarkan Pak Heri. Jangan tanya kenapa saya rasanya nge-fans sekali dengan dosen (killer) yang satu itu. Sampai-sampai berakhir jadi asisten mata kuliah Numerical Method dari Pak Heri. Mata kuliah yang merepotkan? Selamat kepada Praktikum Unit Operation Process I! Tidak ada yang lebih merepotkan daripada praktikum tak berjadwal begitu.

Ah. Di akhir semester ini juga ramai diperbincangkan mengenai perubahan kurikulum di DTK FTUI. Angkatan 2009 tampaknya tidak akan bisa ada yang lulus 3,5 tahun. Menyedihkan, tapi memang realita yang harus diterima (yah, ucapan dari seseorang yang tidak berniat lulus 3,5 tahun, sih). Ada hal positif dan menarik yang saya nanti-nantikan dari isu ini: dibukanya mata kuliah pilihan baru. Please let them open any herbal-related subjects!

Perbincangan masa depan pascakampus juga jadi hal yang cukup sering dilakukan. Entah jadi obrolan santai bersama Pijar di kosan, atau obrolan random di tempat makan. Googling mencari program Magister yang sekiranya sesuai dengan peminatan serta surfing menjelajah situs pemberi beasiswa.

Banyak hal menarik yang baru saya sadari sekarang. Tidak ada kata terlambat untuk apapun, tapi rasanya sedikit ingin tertawa, sih.

[aktivitas]

Oke. Ini dia.

Setelah bergulat dengan berbagai pertimbangan, saya memutuskan tidak melanjutkan amanah di MPM FTUI. Ada banyak hal yang berputar di kepala. Mungkin yang saya lakukan hanyalah mencari pembelaan dari keegoisan, tapi saya menganggap itu bukanlah kesalahan.

Semua orang berubah untuk menjadi lebih baik. Dan itulah yang sedang saya lakukan dengan keputusan ini.

Saya suka jurnalistik, dan itu cukup untuk menjadi alasan saya mengambil pilihan aktivitas di lembaga pers mahasiswa. Alih fungsi, alih jabatan, apapun yang mereka pikirkan, saya tidak akan goyah. Semua bermuara pada tujuan.

“Don't listen to the malicious comments of those friends who, never taking any risks themselves, can only see other people's failures.”  [—Paulo Coelho; Eleven Minutes]

Pada akhirnya saya percaya bahwa manusia selalu terbuat dari segumpal keegoisan. Idealisme adalah keegoisan yang bercahaya.

Sedikit ganjil, sebenarnya. Tapi akhirnya segala aktivitas yang akan saya lakukan di tahun ini, 2012, adalah semata menuju pada kesederhanaan dan kenormalan hidup. Tuhan selalu punya rencana atas segalanya. Pilihan-pilihan saya hanyalah jalan menuju salah satu darinya.

[refleksi]

Awal tahun 2012 saya sudah dalam status hiatus panjang dari dunia fanfiksi. Sudah lebih dari setahun berhenti berinteraksi berlebihan dengan teman-teman di komunitas penulis fanfiksi. Mengembalikan esensi menulis pada dasarnya—preferensi.

Rasanya? Lega. Sangat lega. Merasa seperti akhirnya saya menjalankan suatu aktivitas karena pilihan yang terbaik. Dan segalanya benar-benar datang dari saya sendiri tanpa paksaan. Bisa melihat dari sudut pandang yang lain sungguh membantu saya bercermin seperti apa saya dua, tiga, tahun yang lalu. Semoga ini adalah tanda dari perbaikan kualitas hidup dan kebahagiaan.

Tiga bulan sudah menempati kosan baru. Suasana baru dan sebuah usaha untuk melakukan terapi terhadap diri sendiri dari ke-antisosial-an yang melanda. Masih berusaha beradaptasi, namun mulai bisa merasakan kenyamanan dari kehangatan ganjil yang berkeliaran di depan mata.

Lupakan diksi mendramatisir itu. Rasanya? Normal. Terlalu normal. Percakapan normal. Pergaulan normal. Aktivitas normal. Lagi, segalanya datang dari diri sendiri tanpa paksaan. Lagi, sungguh membantu saya bercermin seperti apa saya dua, tiga, atau bahkan empat dan lima tahun yang lalu.

Keluarga, dengan berbagai pukulan besar yang dihadapi setahun ini, bertahan dengan baik. Berkat terapi-terapi sebelumnya, akhir tahun 2011 ditutup dengan saya yang lebih sering pulang ke rumah. Rencana pindah di 2012 yang entahlah akan jadi apa, tapi cukup membuat saya menerima dengan sabar.

Rasanya? Berdosa. Maksud saya, menelantarkan terlalu banyak hal selama ini. Bersikeras membohongi dan membela diri sendiri bahwa segalanya adalah demi rumah. Pada akhirnya manusia memang makhluk egois. Untuk orang-orang yang berdoa bagi terbukanya pintu hati, saya sangat berterima kasih.

[resolusi]

Membaca lebih banyak buku

Mengetahui lebih banyak ilmu

Medengar lebih banyak suara hati

Membina lebih banyak sahabat

Menjalani lebih banyak kenormalan

Menyayangi lebih banyak keluarga

***

Baru saja mulai mengisi tumblr dengan hal-hal yang indah. Melihat begitu banyak keindahan membuat saya merasa lebih tenang dan jernih. Semoga memberi hal positif bagi keseharian.

“...and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are.” [―Paulo Coelho; The Alchemist]

Welcome, ordinary days  ♥

Lembar Delapan

...jika kepala ini adalah satu stoples berisi konfeti, maka yang ada sekarang adalah butir-butir konfeti tak terhingga, beraneka warna, sesak dan penuh dalam satu stoples kaca yang rapuh.

冬虫夏草 (c) katsuo

Terlalu banyak perasaan untuk sekedar diluapkan. Terlalu banyak pikiran untuk sekedar diungkapkan. Terlalu banyak pilihan untuk sekedar dipertimbangkan.

Saya sedang tenggelam dalam sebuah pertanyaan mengenai kontribusi. Mimpi-mimpi, kritik ekstrim, loyalitas... terlalu banyak hal abstrak yang tidak bisa dijelaskan. Mengapa keegoisan sulit menjadi pilihan? Bolehkah saya menganggap saya individu yang berbeda?

Siapa? Yang mana? Mengapa?

Pada akhirnya hanya kepada diri sendiri semua ini harus ditanyakan.

Jawaban...

--menantinya adalah gelisah.