home is where your heart is

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.” (― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist)

Daily life: throwback 2015-2016

Friday, July 22, 2016


Kebetulan punya waktu luang terlalu banyak belakangan ini, dan memutuskan untuk mulai update blog. Rencananya sih, begitu. Realitanya, saya butuh 2-3 hari sampai benar-benar menulis lagi. Hari pertama, sibuk merapihkan layout blog; niatnya mau semacam make over tampilan blog. Hari kedua, sibuk membongkar arsip foto dan malah mendesain tipografi untuk menemani postingan baru. Hari ketiga, akhirnya mulai menulis; itu pun pakai acara berpikir apakah mau mengganti style blogging di blog ini.

Sempat kepikiran apakah mau mengisi blog dengan English, atau stay dengan style sekarang. Pertimbangannya, siapa tahu ada teman berbahasa asing yang mau baca tulisan saya (entah sungguhan ada atau tidak, sih). Tapi saya suka Bahasa Indonesia, dan menulis dalam bahasa yang saya suka lebih membuat saya nyaman menulis apa saja. Well, jadi tetap dengan style yang sekarang. Mungkin sewaktu-waktu tergantung mood akan menulis dalam English

Bukan seperti saya mau punya profesi sampingan jadi emak-emak blogger, tapi saya bertekad mau mulai rutin menulis. Tentu saja, kebanyakan mungkin akan sekadar self talk atau cerita daily life dan sesekali tulisan opini atau tulisan berbau hobi. 

Semoga bisa dilaksanakan dengan konsisten :)


Oke, kembali ke topik utama. Jadi, kurang lebih 1,5 tahun berlalu tanpa update blog. I have been (half) busy, and (half) overwhelmed by my own roller-coaster-like-life-update. So many things happened in such a short timeline:


I got married


Iya, saya menikah pada Juli 2015 lalu. 

Kok bisa? One day saya akan buat post tersendiri untuk menjawab itu. Singkat cerita, saya menikah dengan si Mas yang saya kenal enam bulan sebelumnya, dan sekarang bisa menulis happy wife di deskripsi about me.

Kalau boleh jujur, tidak pernah terpikir sebelumnya saya akan menikah muda (well, 24 tahun masih tergolong muda, kan?). Tadinya saya pikir, saya akan berakhir jadi wanita karir yang menomor sekiankan pernikahan. Yah, rencana Alloh memang tidak ada yang tahu. Sadar-sadar saya sudah diculik ke negeri orang :)


Hello, Japan!



Iya, saya menikah, dan saya tinggal di Jepang sekarang.

Dua hari setelah menikah, saya langsung terbang ke Jepang karena si Mas harus masuk kerja segera. Meski setengah alasan menikah cepat adalah karena saya akan ikut program summer research di Tokyo Univ., programnya sendiri baru mulai bulan Agustus.

Perasaannya? Happy, of course. For I have been admiring Japan since forever, dan dapat kesempatan stay di negeri ini lebih cepat dari perkiraan (ceritanya niat awalnya mau lanjut sekolah di sini). Tapi kalau diingat lagi, karena semuanya berjalan begitu cepat waktu itu, saya tidak benar-benar excited spesifik, sih. Sebagian lagi adalah deg-deg-an menyambut program magang riset dan menunggu pengumuman sekolah.


Sekolah lagi


Alhamdulillah, setelah tetap nekat apply meski beasiswa tidak tembus, saya diterima di kedua pilihan universitas saya di sini. Setelah selesai dengan program magang riset, akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk enrolled untuk PhD program di Tokyo Institute of Technology, instead of universitas tempat saya magang. Yang mana pun, risetnya kurang lebih sama, dan akhirnya saya pilih sekolah yang sama dengan si Mas, meski kampusnya berbeda lokasi.

Tadinya tidak menyangka akan bisa mulai sekolah di Winter 2015, mengingat preparasi saya untuk sekolah lagi baru mulai di awal tahun 2015. Apalagi, aplikasi beasiswa LPDP saya gagal di tahap akhir. Ketika itu, saya belum mendapat pengumuman resmi apakah diterima atau tidak di universitas yang saya apply. Pokoknya niat saya waktu itu berangkat dulu untuk program magang riset yang sudah pasti, dan pengumuman datang ketika saya sudah di Jepang.


Meski diterima, berhubung saya datang dengan status privately financed (baca: beasiswa suami), saya baru coba apply beasiswa sana-sini setelah kuliah mulai. Untungnya, ada beasiswa otomatis dari JASO untuk 6 bulan pertama bagi mahasiswa asing tanpa beasiswa seperti saya. Lumayan untuk menutup entrance fee. Sementara untuk uang semester, selain mendapat keringanan 50%, uang yang dibayarkan bisa dikatakan dikembalikan melalui program Teaching/Research Assistant (TRA) untuk mahasiswa doktoral. Jadi, bisa dikatakan kuliah saya 'gratis' (berhubung living cost diabaikan karena toh saya sudah tinggal di sini menemani suami).

Lagi, rencana Alloh tidak ada yang tahu, dan kuliah saya hanya bertahan sekitar satu semester sebelum akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk cuti sementara.


I am pregnant


Iya, alhamdulillah, dapat rezeki luar biasa setelah beberapa bulan menikah. 

Awalnya masih percaya diri bisa menyambil kuliah, ternyata lagi-lagi rencana Alloh berkata lain. Kondisi kehamilan saya diwarnai dengan hyperemesis gravidum dan gastric ulcer yang menjadi. Saya memutuskan mengambil cuti semester setelah terkapar bedrest mulai usia kandungan 3 bulan. Untungnya, saya datang bukan sebagai mahasiswa dengan ikatan beasiswa yang harus lulus tepat waktu sehingga saya bisa ambi cuti tanpa beban (nah, nikmat mana yang kamu dustakan? Alloh Maha Tahu mana yang terbaik).

Fisik saya benar-benar terkuras lemah hingga usia 7 bulan kehamilan, dan baru mulai merasa benar-benar baikan di usia kandungan 9 bulan. Sekarang sedang menanti persalinan dengan mixed feeling karena harus sendirian di negeri orang. Alhamdulillah, si Mas sangat men-support sehingga saya tidak terlalu khawatir berlebihan.


.

.
 
Kurang lebih demikian. Terakhir update blog adalah April 2015, setelahnya saya sibuk dengan persiapan sekolah, beasiswa, dan pernikahan. Lalu program magang riset mulai dan langsung disambung dengan kuliah. Lalu saya terkapar di awal kehamilan hingga sekarang. Jadilah blog terbengkalai karena tidak jadi prioritas.

Anyway, waktu luang sekarang sebenarnya adalah senggang di tengah menunggu waktu kelahiran. Tapi setidaknya saya jadi update blog setelah sekian lama :)



{home is where your heart is}

Lembar Empatbelas: Letter to the Light

Sunday, April 19, 2015

"Bearing wounds in our heart, we can become aware of other people's pain." (--Aizawa Kousaku; Code Blue 2)

あまおと (c) katsuo

"I wonder what could I do for you."


That line keep appears in my head everytime I see you struggling with yourself.

Maybe I am no one: just one of ordinary friends you have out there, who tend to talk rather than properly listen. Maybe I am no one, even after those almost five years of togetherness. Maybe I am no one, even after those hours of laughing and giggling, or silently crying and fighting together.

Right. Despite all of those maybes, I think I am fine with the way we are now.

... actually, I am scared to talk to you. Like, was I even qualified to talk with you now? Really, that's so absurd. I could say "I care" as much as I want, yet the truth is I have no confidence as your friend.

It's funny, isn't it?

But I think I am fine with all of them. As long as I know you are fine out there, I think I will be fine with this. This might be one of the most important times in your life, and I will just always pray for your happiness.

***

 Maybe you have no idea I think about you this much (well, I am not showing it at all, so it's natural). But, if you were found this out and went wondering, I will give you the reason: because you have been became the light in one of the darkest moment in my life. You don't know how terrible that was for me, and you don't realize how you save me with your words, attitudes, and smiles. You are dazzling, you still are. You are human being, with lot of wonderful sides on top of the weaknesses. ... and you are warm.

I really wonder what could I do for you.

But I guess, the answer is: nothing.

Because you have your own way to live your life. And I only hope I could be there for you anytime you need me.

Actually, I kinda worried. Because you tend to push yourself too much when things going hard. But that is also your special traits: hard working and do your best to reach your destinations. ... so I think I could pray for you instead of worrying too much.

Anyway, actually I was surprised that I am such a caring person. Hmm. But maybe it will take me times to learn the art of emphatic listening.

***

... for now, it is enough for me to see you being fine from far virtual place.

(But, if I may be a bit honest, I kinda miss your cheerful-self here and there :) )



Be fine and stay as yourself, my dear friend. May He guides you to the best places, best decisions, and best moments of life. Aamiin.


To my friend; she who is as bright as light :)




moumoon - Hello, shooting-star (lyrics)

Monday, February 9, 2015

Hello,shooting-star


Title:  Hello,shooting-star
Artist: moumoon
Album: Hello,shooting-star  ([Ansatsu Kyoushitsu] Anime ED Theme )


KANJI
太陽がさす 閉ざした瞼の 
裏側に 赤い残像を
革の鞄に ノートとペンを 
さぁ歩き出そう
描いても 描いても 綺麗にならない
選んだ絵の具に、罪はない
昨日の夜中に見た流れ星 まだ覚えている
I was waiting for
Hello shooting star, hello shooting star. Again.

待っていたよ 夢を見るあの子はずっと
ここにいるの あぁ あぁ
あの日のまま あぁ あぁ
Hello shooting star, hello shooting star. Again.
待っているよ 夢を見るのをやめないで
泣いていても あぁ あぁ
笑ってても あぁ あぁ
また光って

その瞳を じっと眺める
透き通る この世界が映る 空を見上げて 
安らぐような そんな色だね
全ては言葉で 表しきれない
君より綺麗な 色はない
君を音にして 奏でられたら
世界が驚く光る残響

I’m waiting for you. I’m waiting for you. Always. 待っているよ
夢を見るあなたはずっと 
遠くを見て あぁ あぁ
追いかけてる あぁ あぁ
I’m waiting for you. I’m waiting for you. Always. 待っているよ
夢を見るのをやめたくない
あなたのように あぁ あぁ
あの日のまま あぁ あぁ
Hello shooting star, hello shooting star. Again. 待っているよ

月が綺麗な夜に会おう
ここにいるよ あぁ あぁ
あの日のまま あぁ あぁ
光っていて



ROMAJI
Taiyou ga sasu  tozashita mabuta no
Uragawa ni  zanzou o
Kawa no kaban ni NOOTO to PEN o
Saa aruki dasou
Kaitemo   kaitemo kirei ni nara nai
Eranda enogu ni,  tsumi wa nai
Kinou no yonaka ni mita nagareboshi mada oboeteiru
I was waiting for
Hello shooting star, hello shooting star. Again.

Matte ita yo  yume wo miru ano ko wa zutto
Koko ni iru no Ah, ah
Ano hi no mama Ah, ah
Hello shooting star, hello shooting star. Again.
Matte iru yo yume o miru no o yamenai de
Naite ite mo Ah, ah
Warattete m Ah, ah
Mata hikatte

Sono hitomi o jitto nagameru
Sukitooru kono sekai ga utsuru  sora o miagete 
Yasuragu you na  sonna iro da ne
Subete wa kotoba de arawashi kirenai
Kimi yori kirei na  iro wa nai
Kimi o oto ni shite  kanaderare tara
Sekai ga odoroku hikaru zankyou

I’m waiting for you. I’m waiting for you. Always. Matte iru yo
Yume o miru anata wa zutto 
Tooku o mite Ah, ah
Oikaketeru Ah, ah
I’m waiting for you. I’m waiting for you. Always. (Watashi mo)
Yume o miru no o yametakunai
Anata no you ni  Ah, ah
Ano hi no mama Ah, ah
Hello shooting star, hello shooting star. Again. Matte iru yo

Tsuki ga kirei na yoru ni aou
Koko ni iru yo Ah, ah
Ano hi no mama Ah, ah
Hikatte ite


Note: self-romanized ❤ 
Kanji lyrics from: http://www.littleoslo.com/lyj/home/moumoon-helloshooting-star-%E6%AD%8C%E8%A9%9E-pv/

Lembar Tigabelas: Beautiful (Day)

Monday, February 2, 2015
Today Is A Beautiful Day (album CD cover) - supercell (2011)


Okay. This kinda sum up things in the last two weeks.

Errr ... in these past weeks, I've been hearing too much phrases like: "... is it you? Pangling! You've become prettier". I kinda ignored them since I thought it just because I am wearing contacts (though I've worn them a lot in these past 6 months). Well, it finally becomes funny when my parents actually said the same line.

Then, after a series of similar phrases when I went home yesterday, I finally asked my father. The conversation then went like this:

"Did I change that much? I mean, people keep saying it a lot these days."

"Well, I did need to blink several times when I saw you at the train station."

"Is it because of the contacts?"

"... hmm. That too. But I think it's because you look more cheerful these days. You smile a lot. Several people believe you're rather a serious type person, so it is natural that they got surprised."

"... that's all?"

"If I could add, you look glowing. People must think that you have fallen in love with someone."



And I laughed so hard when I heard that.


Well, people did say that woman who fall in love become more beautiful each day. ... but I think it might not the reason in my case (or it might be?).

Putting that aside, I did feel rather happy these days. It's like ... I enjoy my each day and look forward to spend my time doing things. I finally find something I want to do (and that very thing is a passion of mine). It might be true that I enjoy my journey to reach my dream. So, everyday feels like a beautiful day :')

On the other hand, I admit I rather let myself being too serious and rather gloomy in these past years. I can't blame people when they got surprised seeing me being cheerful (I am originally like this, though).

And, about that falling in love thing ... well, I can't say much about that. Though, this is a journey to pursue my 'personal legend', so ... I might actually get a chance to meet my destined one (Fatima, or rather, Santiago in my case) here.

Okay. Let's leave it all there for now.

At least, it is true that I smiled so much these days :P.



{home is where your heart is}

Lembar Duabelas: Adultery and Spectrum

Saturday, January 10, 2015
Adultery (original cover) by Paulo Coelho


After those long months, finally I got to read Paulo Coelho’s Adultery. The transliteration of the title in Bahasa is still bugging me (well, I insisted on the opinion that since adultery means much more than just a ‘Selingkuh’, they should left the original title), but I really enjoyed the book.

And, well, my intuition does hit the place: Adultery surely grabs the second spot of my favorite Paulo Coelho’s book (after The Alchemist; and, by other means, make it ways past The Zahir which is now on its third).

I wonder when was the last time I cried so much after reading a book.

What should I say? I mean, I am not yet 30, haven’t yet married or got children, and haven’t even started pursuing my dream career—on top at all; but, here I am, being struck by Linda’s (the main character) feelings.

Yes. Yes, I could comprehend that awful feelings—the unhappiness, emptiness, darkness—when your inside is being eaten away and, yet, you’re alive—or worse, live your life normally. Just accepting the fact that you are not okay is already painful—because you had no reason to feel so!

I was Linda.

And it was hell.

I am just 24—and even younger when I experienced it, but it was hard. Maniac-depressive, bipolar disorder, or simply despair—picks your own. I struggle on my pride, and ended up need to accept that I do need help.

It is totally different than the story, though. I am not even old enough to play with a word called ‘adultery’. Yet I could understand Linda’s action. 


“Sometimes you need to lose yourself completely to find yourself.”


I have just finished like half a book when I went home and talked to my father (or rather, childishly explained how I finally got that long awaited book). I also talked about the theme and how I absorbed Linda’s feeling and perspective a bit too well.

We ended up talking for hours. About past things, about recent days, and those abstract feelings. My father said that there are two kinds of people in this world: those who act; and those who think. You can’t choose becoming one, it choose you. There’s no overthinking for those who think; and therefore, it is no use to comprehend it.

“But I think. I am thinking too much (that’s what people say!). Maybe I should stop reading things and just try to live normally like other people.”

“I even try to adventure on my own when I was young. I lived in jungle, isolated myself, and yet couldn’t stop myself from thinking. Finally I realized that I belong to those who think. You do, too. And you need to accept that because it is also something Allah blessed upon you.”

“… but I am afraid. They’re too scary.”

“One day you will reach the time where you can really accept that fact. And, finally, you will be able to reach an ultimate state of life—peacefulness. Those things won’t no longer matter, and you find bliss for realizing what life means to Allah. Even me myself, have not yet reach them.”

“Then what should I do now?”

“Live your own journey.”

The conversation ended up like that. And I haven’t even finished the book. 

By the time I reach the end of ‘Adultery’ next morning, I don’t even realize I cried so much before my mother point it.

It was … too much. The feelings, I mean.

Linda fell into a trance when she flies with parachute, embracing both the sky and everything, and her own heart. She wanted them to last forever.

But then the hawk said, “No. You can’t. If you keep it, you won’t be able to live in this world.” Then Linda asked what she should do.

The hawk answered, “Find your way.”

And Linda cried, for hours.

***

It has been to long since I cried this much because of a book (what are you expect from someone who even cried when reading The Alchemist, The Zahir, or even Brida?).

Yet, I feel so … contented.

I mean, things are going around too many these years. People, myself, my life—I wondered about so many things.

There are things I suddenly don’t want to do, or become (even after those years of believing I will end up become one). There are things which suddenly appear as options (like being told that I am suited to be a researcher or lecturer so I should continue pursuing my degree overseas). There are also long forgotten things which suddenly appear before my eyes (like how I do love design and art—books, fashion, house, anything!).

Everyone but me seems moving forward to their own respective choices, left me alone in this so-called crossroad.

No, I am not going to rush myself. I have been done things people expect me to do since I can remember myself. Those, and yet, things inside myself did not die—not at all. They keep haunting me, taking form as fear, risk, passion, or even pride.

That’s why I choose to pause now.

I am now looking on the sky, on the beautiful things around these long roads; I am hearing the gentle breezes, which had passed me unnoticeably before; I am smelling the scent of flowers, trees, and even dusts; I am sensing things.

And finally, I asked myself: where I stand now? Where this road leads to? Where I want to live my life for?
It is such a complicated thing, isn’t it?

I read back my past entries, and laugh myself while commenting: “Even someone like me do experience a passionate youth.”

Recently, I found a wonderful unofficial/fan book of The Basketball Which Kuroko Plays written by gusari. It is an anthology. There are two stories of a pair of characters. One titled 13 Centimeters, while the other one titled Kizuato Spectrum.

Both of them are unmistakably the most beautiful works I have read. Even until now, I cried every time I re-read them (using Aimer’s Mine as a background song really lead me to tears).

What should I say? For me, 13 Centimeters is really a piece of art.

Two people with a same feeling: youth, love, and give up. There is nothing we could do—we will be separated anyway. So they decide to live their days together until that separation comes. It comes without even words. Yet, they cried after each other’s gone.


[…The distance to you is something I don’t know anymore]


Kizuato Spectrum is an epilog, with a subtitle of: ‘Re-measurement of Wounds’. Years passed and life goes on.

[Since then, we have,
little by little, grown older.
Our uncontrollable passions
stopped growing around the same time our heights did.
Our desires settled down.
We became a bit more well-rounded.
And in exchange,
everyone has become much kinder.

I think that is just
simply beautiful.]

Even though, those which left behind never gone. By a simple glance of how there are people who are not giving things up, those buried dream rose. Yet, there is nothing left to do; a past is a past.
[...I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of the old me,
who is still feeling the passion that I have long since lost.

It's not as though I regret anything.
The past choices I've made,
the changes that have happened, and the current me;
everything is special to me...
and very beautiful.

While I feel jealous,
it's not as if I blame anyone,
not even my past self.
It's not even that
the grass is greener on the other side.

It's just,
inside of me,
I know that I have scars that I'm holding on to.

Even so, under the scabs, the "memories" are there.
That body temperature, that scent, that voice.
Those "memories".

No matter how foolishly, delicately,
desperately, wretchedly, enjoyably,
I've grown up.

And even though I've become an adult,
these cicatrices remain. 

They live under my scabs
as beautiful as ever.]


Indeed. They are as beautiful as ever.

That’s why life is so precious.

***
Anyway, time sure flies.

It has been two years since I last updated this blog with something other than lyrics. I should write more :)


{home is where your heart is}

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